Monday, 20 October 2014

Public Kindergarten Cop Moments

Most of us remember that little boy from Kindergarten Cop who was giving Arnold Schwarzenegger anatomy lessons. "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina!". It's still funny to this day. Funny that is, unless it's your child and you're the one being given the anatomy lesson in public.

Everett and Brody had recently learned this little anatomy lesson and their views on how boys were boys and girls were girls were a little off. The boys even went so far as to telling me that I was a bad boy and my penis fell off. Apparently, in my kids' minds, all girls are just evil little boys whose penises have fallen off. I guess I was evil enough that my penis fell off when I was quite young, I find it ironic that I bore 3 boys whose penises remained very much intact, despite their corrupt mother! Oh, the irony. Let's just say, I put the quash on that little rumour real quick. Kudos to their imagination with regard to gender determination.

One afternoon, I took Brody grocery shopping. It was pretty busy at the checkout, so Brody helped me put some things on the conveyor belt while he sat proudly at the front of the cart, facing me. Our cashier was male, as was the bag boy. They started to check us through as the elderly lady behind us commented on how cute and helpful Brody was.

While I thanked her, my son, very matter-of-factly, started pointing at people. "I HAVE A PENIS, HE HAS A PENIS, HE HAS A PENIS, YOU HAVE A VAGINA AND SHE HAS A VAGINA!". You know, those times when it seems EVERYBODY in the grocery store heard. The cashier and bag boy started laughing hysterically as the elderly lady blushed and sighed out: "Oh dear". All I could do was reply: "Well, he's not wrong!", as I paid for the groceries.

Unlike Arnold Schwarzenegger, these public Kindergarten Cop moments definitely won't make you feel like saying: "I'll be back"!

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

The Elf on the Shelf Offs Himself

Unless you've been living under a rock this past Holiday season, you've been affected by the Elf on the Shelf saga. Our family was no different, naming our little guy Buddy, after the famous Elf movie that our kids love so much.

Buddy had been doing a very good job of keeping watch over our boys, evil as they may be! Santa's poor little helper must have wondered what he had done in the workshop to deserve being sent here. Sure, the house looks warm and welcoming to a sleigh parked outside, but inside lurks the spawn of Satan.

Bedtime was a very busy reporting time for Buddy. Everett and Brody refused to go to sleep and long distance calls to Santa were the norm every night. Try as we may to threaten that Buddy would have them put on the naughty list if they didn't behave, the stubborn little boys continued to push Buddy's limits.

We tried telling them that Buddy would get into trouble with Santa Claus, possibly fired if they kept being bad. Some nights it worked, but most times those kids had no remorse for actions of terror. We began to wonder how much more that poor elf could take.

After a particularly bad bedtime episode, Justin and I were exhausted! Brian was at work and it was getting to be very late. Christmas Eve was coming and the boys had gotten a call from Santa warning them that if they weren't better at bedtime, there would be coal in their stockings.

I hung up the phone and Justin and I headed down to the main floor to try and regain our sanity. What we found when we looked toward the fireplace would haunt us forever!!!

Buddy had hung himself by the chimney with care!!!! Well, we figured the Champoolliams family just crushed Buddy's spirit. He probably felt like a failure because no matter how hard he tried, he could not get the evil boys to change their ways. We found it particularly ironic that he leapt to his death from the ornament of JOY, the symbolism was not lost on us. Joy must have been the last thing on Buddy's mind if he felt he had no other way out.

Justin and I took him down, tried our best to bring him back, to no avail! The Elf on the Shelf offed himself and there was nothing we could do. We said a few words in his honour and made sure the smaller kids didn't find out about how they had crushed Santa's Helper's poor little soul! We perched him in the Christmas tree the next night, hoping the kids wouldn't notice the ligature marks around his neck.

RIP Buddy, hopefully they will send a stronger-willed Elf next year!